If It Matter to You

Sitting at home with a baby/toddler, you have a lot of time to think about every facet of your life. For some time I have felt lost. Lost in the people I love the most. I know I am Aaron's wife. I know I am Olivia's mother. But who am I? Don't you get me wrong, I LOVE being these 2 things and I would never trade them for the world. However, I feel like I have lost a little bit of Alexis. I want to gain back being an individual while also embracing my most important roles of wife and mother.

For a while after I had Olivia, I had a hard time not using my college degree. I felt like I had to justify to everyone why I wasn't working and you know what? It was hard. I desperately had wanted to teach for a couple years before we started having kids, but instead God granted me the greatest gift I could have been given. I love staying home with Olivia. It is a dream. I love being there for every milestone and I'm grateful to my husband for working so hard so that I can. Yes I work one day a week at the job I've had for the last 9 1/2 years and some days I feel like why am I still here? I feel like everyone else thinks that too. I am a planner and a goal oriented person. I want to know where I am going to be in a year or 5 years. I have had to learn life doesn't always work out the way you have planned. God has a bigger and better plan for you. I have had to learn to go with the flow and to live in the moments in front of me. This is extremely hard for me. I will always have to work on not thinking about the future. In order to feel fulfilled as my own individual, without using my degree, I have tried to have hobbies that I can still have while being a stay at home mom. Sometimes I feel bad for wanting alone time (which is such a rare thing as a mom) but I know that I need it in order to be the wife, mother and individual that I want to be.

I cling to music, movies, and literature because I want to fall in love with a story that makes me feel like I'm not alone. Like someone out there feels exactly how I feel. I love finding something that speaks so true to my heart that I can't cope with life because I am so lost in being happy.

• I love reading. I love getting lost in a good book and feeling like the words are speaking directly to me. I love feeling like I can't get on with my life because I can't get over the book I just read. It's been a goal of mine this year to read a book a month and I have stuck to it, I hope I can continue on with this goal through the years to come. I forgot how much I loved to read and I'm so happy that a goal I made has brought me so much happiness.
• I love film. I obsess over the characters and what will happen next. I fall in love with the stories tv shows tell and I never want them to end. I enjoy watching the similarities and differences of movies done by my favorite directors. Thanks to my mother in law and her oscar party every year I have wanted to throughly study the films in the various categories. It's a hobby that I share with my husband and on my own.
• I love food. I love to cook and to watch people enjoy my creations. I have had to get over "oh I want to lose weight" because guess what baby? I like food WAY TO MUCH. As long as I feel comfortable and healthy in my body, I want to find a balance of healthy eating and indulging in amazing cuisine. 
• I haven't got a clue who I am as a whole. I may think I know bits and pieces of who I am, but I really think the whole point of life is to find out who you are. It may be different at every stage of your life. I know I've changed a lot since high school, since college, since becoming married and since becoming a mother. All I care is that I am continuing to change for the better, that I am continuing to do things that make me happy, and being true to myself.

I'll leave you with:

Above all remember this, if it matters to you who cares if it matters to anyone else.